Firstly, yes, sure. Cheating is morally wrong, etc. If you love someone, you wouldn’t cheat on them. I get it. Why are you even in a relationship if you’re cheating? Why would you hurt someone you love?
Now that that’s out of the way and you’re still here, we can get down to business. Whether you’re cheating because you’re bored, you’re unhappy or you’re just drunk, I am not here to judge you. I’m here to help you get away with it.
And, sure, I’ve been cheated on. The delicious, karmic cycle of modern-day dating has probably brought a whole host of retribution to my door. But, hey, I dish it out so I choose to take it.
Cheating isn’t for everyone. No, it’s not a joke, I mean that. Some people aren’t made to weather guilt; some people are really, really bad at lying; some people collapse under the pressure of lies faster than a house of cards in gale-force winds.
And why push yourself to do something that tears you apart inside? Don’t cheat if you don’t want to. No one here wants your relationship to fall apart — especially if you don’t. Stay faithful if you want to. That’s fucking beautiful. I’m into that.
Now, if you do choose to cheat, please don’t be an idiot. You’re only going to hurt everyone a million times more if you’re not careful in your actions. No one likes getting cheated on; the fewer people who find out, the fewer people who get hurt.
I’ve cheated because I was bored, because I was drunk, because I was angry, because I wanted to. I’ve cheated as a result of a bad relationship and I’ve cheated in spite of a good one.
No, I’m not what you’d call a good person, but I’ve never been caught. (Knock on wood.) So you can take some of my advice to heart.
I’m not encouraging you to cheat, but if you do choose to, please don’t be an idiot and follow these basic rules:
1. Change your side piece’s name in your phone.
It should be a variation of one of your friends or someone your SO won’t think too much of. This person should text you fairly regularly anyway. Generally, I find this more helpful when the friend is not a member of the sex you’re attracted to.
2. Make sure your other devices are all logged out.
Don’t leave iMessage signed into your computer and have your SO watch each text that flies in while you’re curling up for some Netflix. Without multiple sign-ins, getting rid of the evidence is simple and fun. Well, mostly just simple. But it keeps things clean and mitigates any other potential disasters.
3. Choose one medium to speak on.
It’s easier to clean up your tracks when you only have one channel to watch. If it’s texting, make sure you’re not getting nude snaps and a million “i miss u” Facebook chats. Keep it to a singular medium and stop worrying about evidence of your indiscretions floating in the ether.
4. Don’t get sentimental, delete all messages.
And when you’re on that one medium, don’t get all gooey about it. Make sure you’re deleting all unnecessary information, even if it makes you feel *warm* on the inside. All it takes is one snoop from your SO to uncover all those filthy messages you saved from when your sext game was on point.
5. There should never, ever be photo evidence.
What the hell are you even doing? If you’re taking photos, don’t. If someone else is, hide your face. We live in the age of social media, don’t be a viral internet story. If you’re desperate to save some sexy pics, find a creepy photo vault app. Some of them look like calculators and other apps so they don’t arouse suspicion. Use a separate code from your phone so no one knows how to access it but you.
6. Keep it on a need-to-know basis with your friends.
The smaller the group of people who know about your dalliances, the smaller the chance it has of getting out. Don’t run your mouth to anyone who’ll listen. Don’t brag to all your friends. You need to keep the information to a small group of people you trust. Sometimes that’s no one.
7. Don’t get a sidepiece who wants something more.
If you’re not looking for a one-nighter and have a more regular sidepiece, make sure he/she is on it. You don’t want someone who’s crazy enough to go to your SO when things don’t go right. Keep it 100 if you can. It makes life a lot easier when you’re not lying to two separate parties.
8. Pick a simple story and don’t get cute.
Don’t make things more complicated than you have to. Don’t embellish when you think you’re about to get caught. Decide on the simplest explanation possible beforehand and stick with it. Know the details. It’s easiest when it’s closest to the real story possible so you can introduce real elements and lie less.
Offer enough information so it doesn’t seem vague, but don’t over-volunteer parts of stories you wouldn’t otherwise. Act normal.
9. Have your excuse pre-planned.
Getting caught off-guard while cheating is a recipe for disaster. Always have a plan B tucked into your pocket. Not the physical pill, just an excuse. Overhear a girl’s voice? Annoying co-worker. Looking slightly disheveled? Long day at work. Someone else sees you on a date? A friend from college you ran into at a bar.
Never get caught with your pants down, mouth open or in a lie because backpedaling is the worst form of exercise.
10. Go in it with an expiration date.
This isn’t the person you’re trying to spend the rest of your life with; you’re not even dating them. In fact, you’re dating someone else entirely. We’re all humans, and prolonged exposure to each other in a semi-romantic sense will probably result in those pesky “feelings.” Don’t get there with someone you were just looking to blow off steam with. Even if it’s easy. Spurned lovers can do crazy things.
11. If you’re going to feel terrible and admit to it all, DON’T DO IT TO BEGIN WITH.
This is self-explanatory. If you’re only going to spill all the beans and hurt everyone involved, it’s not worth it.